I have been struggling lately with rest.
After a full day of work, coming home, cooking dinner and cleaning up around the house, I often feel like there aren’t enough hours in a day to just sit and rest or spend time with Sean.
I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and I think my new job has only exacerbated the problem. And although it’s gotten worse lately, I’m grateful that it did, because it has driven me to make some decisions, and subsequent changes as a result.
I spend a lot of my free time on the computer. I’ve convinced myself that my time online will be the key to achieving the rest I long for. Reading blogs will relax me. Looking through my Facebook feed will bring me rest. Writing my blog will refresh me. . These are the things that I’ve been telling myself, and yet, night after night, I’ve been disappointed when I still feel exhausted – and have nothing to show for my lack of productivity all night. Somewhere in the muddle of all the intake I expose myself to online, I am failing to take in much of any real value.
My blog has definitely fallen prey to my time-wasting. I have spent hours online instead of writing the posts that I want to get to. I want to document our married life and this blog has encouraged me to try new things, but I am finding more and more often that it wears me out when I get behind on the events of our life. There are always pictures to edit and posts to write – and eventually, I get bogged down. Between a constant feeling of playing catch-up and my time-wasting tendencies on the internet, this blog has been more of a to-do list lately than a hobby.
Last night, I was sharing all of this with Sean, and he very simply said, “Stop doing all that stuff.” I can honestly say that the thought had never crossed my mind. I have so many ideas for this blog, and I love writing here. I love looking back on our memories and documenting the growth of our marriage and sometimes, the growth of our hearts in this place. And this is all good stuff. But at the end of the day, stopping, or at least pausing, is the simplest solution to this pace I can’t sustain any longer.
So I am hitting pause and stepping back. I will miss writing here for a time, and I know that I will struggle with feeling like I am getting behind on recording our memories, but I believe it will be best for my sanity and for my spirit.
I could almost feel the Lord breathe a huge sigh of relief last night when Sean said those 5 simple words and I actually listened. God loves me, has watched me struggle with rest lately, and has allowed me to feel the weight of this struggle so that I can repent and He can make some changes in my heart. And I love that.
Think about it. Is there anything in your life (good or bad) that might make your life substantially better if you just. stopped. doing. it. Something to pray about.
I have a lot of reworking to do on my concept of rest and the ways that I spend my time. Pray for me if you think of it.
Maybe I will see you soon here. Maybe not. I am going to pray on it.
And I am going to rest.